We are wandering out of the cold of winter and
stepping into the new growth of spring. I know for myself personally, that is
both figuratively and literally. I thought after my mid 20’s I wouldn't be
wondering who I am and what I want, but
here I find myself. I sit here, 44 days
until my 28th birthday with new buds of growth that match the trees
outside my window.
I want to share a dream that I had last week. No,
I’m not claiming prophetic visions or anything of the sorts, but I feel like I
dreamed emotions more than I did the actual actions. I envisioned feelings that
were made into colors and sounds, thoughts that had a voice and a taste. It was
like watching a movie with my eyes closed, the other senses were more
pronounced and prominent, yet I could still see the scenes before my eyes
because their vibrancy could not be paled.
I dreamed that I sat in a chair on a stormy beach
front. I sat amidst what could only be described as an audience, everyone
facing the ocean as we watched waves crash down. Thundery clouds circled above
the waters as we watched a storm roll in. The sky was an entire palette of
colors, ranging from black to silvery light blue. As I sat there a light
appeared before me, above the roaring waves. I stood as the light continued to
draw near, because I wanted to get a closer look at what it was. I was drawn to
it, and it felt drawn to me. As it neared I found myself running towards the
warmest and brightest light, bright like the sun but inviting and not blinding.
As I sprinted towards it (which we all know I’m the slowest runner, so we definitely
know this was a dream, because I was fast) a man appeared in the heart of the
light. It was Jesus. In awe I yelled out “Jesus!” and as I continued running I
was lifted into the air. I was embraced and welcomed by my Lord with open arms.
The feelings of love, peace, awe, and comfort I felt cannot be captured by
those simplistic words. One word is not enough. One color not enough. One song
not enough, to truly capture the emotion I felt as I was held in His arms.
Every pain, worry, and anxious, confused thought
was gone. Completely absorbed by the light, leaving me free from every burden I
had carried with me into the light.
I was home.
That was the whole dream. It was intense. I have never in my life had a
dream like that one, and just thought I would share it. How do you not share
something that made you feel so loved? I have also had a reoccurring nightmare
since I was in middle school that my best friend Kendra’s cat was plotting to
kill me and was consequently a ninja, so you can see the vivid distinction of
this most recent dream in comparison to most of my others.
It’s been awhile since I've written anything, in
part it has been because of lack of time, but mostly it’s been because of lack
of words. I really only write something when there is a specific thought on my
heart or something I need to process through writing. I will be the first to
admit that while I have adequately and probably too well, continued to feed my
body, I have not done well at feeding my soul this winter, which has left my
words famished and thirsty for sustenance; something I am attempting to repair.
Recently I made a decision. I am all in.
Something I struggle with is independence, wanting to organize and plan and
know for sure what is happening and going on, and while those are great
qualities in an employee they have not served me well as a follower of
Christ. But I am all in. No more
dragging my feet, no more control. Much like the version of myself in my dream,
I’m free. My burdens have been lifted because I am no longer the one in control
of them. A friend recently said something that has stuck with me this week; she
said “a couple either walks towards God together, or walks away from God
together.” And while I am not in “a couple” I am all in for walking towards
God, with the belief that my path will diverge with someone also walking
towards the same end line and then that statement will truly be applicable to
my life.
My journey of loving people is still continuing.
Sometimes it’s incredibly difficult, sometimes it is easier than breathing, and
then sometimes the difficult person to love is myself. My heart is still growing,
my propensity for forgiveness is increasing and while I stumble I am still
moving forward…..just sometimes flat on my face, but it counts. It totally
counts. So love to you all, you know you've got a place in my heart.
And because I'm obsessed with this-
“You call me out upon the waters, the
great unknown where feet may fail. And there I find you in the mystery. In
oceans deep, my faith will stand.
And I will call upon your name. And keep
my eyes above the waves. When oceans rise, my soul will rest in our embrace.
For I am yours, and you are mine.
Your grace abounds in deepest waters.
Your sovereign hand, will be my guide. Where feet may fail and fear surrounds
me. You’ve never failed, and you won’t start now.
So I will call upon your name. And keep
my eyes above the waves. When oceans rise. My soul will rest in your embrace.
For I am yours, and you are mine.
Spirit lead me where my trust is without
borders. Let me walk upon the waters. Wherever you would call me. Take me
deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger. In
the presence of my Savior.
I will call upon your name. Keep my eyes
above the waves. My soul will rest in your embrace.
For I am yours. And you are mine. “
Oceans, Hillsong United
HIMYM cat crew. Snow Days. Carhartt Nephew. Family. NYC Skyline. Citizens Banquet. Brooklyn Bridge. Leather Chain Gang. Mini Cooper.
