A peek Into My Journal.

Recently I was sorting through some books on my nightstand and there tucked under a copy of Jane Eyre, a Bible, a daily devo and a thoroughly read Don Miller book (I sound so spiritual don’t I?) I found my brown weathered journal. When I say weathered, I actually mean that pieces of the leather are missing, showcasing a soft material peeping through, accidently created from placing the journal on a somewhat tacky service and applying pressure for an extended amount of time. Now this wasn’t done on purpose, but it does make it look well-loved and vintage. Kind of how I hope to look when I’m a crazy old lady who wears velour jumpsuits willingly and mall walks with cans of soup, which will later be served up for dinner.

I haven’t written in the journal for quite a while. I wrote a lot after Kendra passed away and throughout her sickness. In fact, I think it was my only outlet during her sickness, and you can tell. I’m pretty sure the ink used to script every word was first mixed with tears because every page read anguish and pain and heartbreak. It’s numbing to look back and see how much you were hurting and didn’t even realize it. Makes you wonder what you’ll find out about yourself in the future about the present, what life are we living that we don’t even realize. Here is one thing I wrote that stands out, it was the last entry I wrote:

“It has been said that love is a battlefield, love is a gift, love is giving without expectation.

Love is an emotion, love is a verb.

Love is life.

Love is living, breathing, yearning, shelter, comfort, pain.

Love, is life.

Love is losing and gaining, setting free and holding tight. What isn’t love?

Because love is life.

Created in the image of pure love; to be loved and to love. If I know not any other words to personify in life, I will be completely satisfied with pure love as my only goal.

To live is not to love, but to love is to finally live.”

There was one emotion I didn’t disclose earlier that was threaded and woven throughout my words, tightly clinging to every thought like a brand new pair of spanx. It was hope. It was unadulterated hope that our Christ and King would not falter, would not turn His back on his people, hope in the future and hope in the healing and redeeming power of Christ. A hope that is daily healing the open wounds of living in a broken world.

Reading my words written just a few years ago has brought up the question of “Am I embodying love?” I now wonder if I were gone would people remember me as the girl who loved and cared for others or the girl who had a quick witted tongue and was a little obsessed with mustard yellow? I suppose I can only hope for both. But in all reality, I want to daily find a new way to express my love for others and my engulfing love for my Lord and Savior. What holds us back from that vulnerability? Why is taking that extra moment to genuinely express love to someone much like moving the Eiffel Tower with well-manicured, bare hands?

I could delve into the egocentric persona that encases society. The selfish overpowering the selfless. But why? Why, when I can just love. Why complain about the problem, we already know it, so now let’s make love a verb. An action.

  So hear me loud and clear. I love you. I will always love you. And I don’t mean the kind of love with floating pink hearts or i’s dotted with itty bitty spectacles of an embarrassing abundance of emotion. I want the life that is love, raw, empowered, and real.

Get Me to Japan & Read my Thoughts While You're At It.

There have been many things on my mind lately. Every time I pick up a new book I am ambushed with new thoughts, feelings and motivations. I suppose that backs up the mantra “what goes in is what comes out.”

I’ll start with this, a little news update for those of you who don’t own a tv or believe in the powers of Google. Japan is giving away 10,000 free tickets a few months from now. They want individuals to travel their beautiful and recently devastated country, and then write travel reviews and blogs about it to spread the word that Japan is in fact a great place to go. I want to be one of these people. Help me be one of these people. Thus, my sporadic blogging may begin to pick up its own tempo.  This once work travel blog is beginning to take on a whole new life.

I recently went to Seattle for my mom’s 50^th Birthday. A girl’s weekend to the max.  We’re talking delicately made truffles, champagne, Bridesmaids (the movie), shopping, extravagant and delicious meals, and flowers. Lots and lots of flowers, thank you Pike Place Market. Within this weekend, one of my mom’s closest friends asked her to list the top events that have taken place in the last 50 years. A pretty simple question in the storefront, but it’s like asking a blind person to find the marble in the top to bottom packed vintage shop.  My mom’s answer- that it hasn’t been the big things that have impacted her life but the day to day happenings that have made her happy. How true it is, if we can’t appreciate the beauty of each day before us, how will we ever appreciate the “big” things in life.  The marriages. The births. The deaths. The graduations. The BIG things. These big events in life symbolize change, but life is in the day and night of an individual, not the direction in which they start traveling, because we know another big thing will change that direction again but it will never change living in the day.

This answer didn’t seem to appease the group much, although I liked it. Factual dates, with details, that is what people are thirsty for. The obligatory births of her children, her marriage, some childhood memories with her siblings and best friend-cousin made the list.  But my favorite, my absolutely favorite one, and perhaps because I think it is on my list of favorites was the last fragment of a memory she mentioned. And yes, I’m going to tell you what it was.

This past summer my parents, sister and I went to California to see our family. My Grandpa has been sick with cancer for a few years now and it has been rapidly taking its toll on his health. After spending 8 long days in Ventura, California catching up with cousins, grandparents, fathers, uncles and brothers we jumped in the car and headed home. The week ahead was busy and I think weighed on our minds, but not as heavily as the trip we just completed. I believe I said something to the effect of “back on the road,” to which my dad replied “it’s time.” He proceeded to turn on the CD player, and out comes the brand new The Band Perry CD. The following weekend we were all going to their concert and on the drive down had been talking about how we wanted the CD so we could learn the songs prior to it. Such a small gesture but it was so powerful and moving. The first song out was If I Die Young, a fan favorite, but an emotional and heart wrenching song when you’ve just finished visiting a loved one plagued with cancer. When in the last few years you’ve watched your best friend die and the future you had built together sipping ice tea and conspiring to arrange your children’s marriages to officially become related. Or when you’re just plain tired, living on faith, hope, and probably caffeine.

That is one of my favorite memories.

I pray to God a man finds me that takes care of his women as well as my dad does.

Why Singleness is Like Sports Try-Outs

The realization that being single in your 20's and beyond is much like continually trying out for a sport, or a team, occurred to me today while curling my eye lashes and faithfully bronzing my cheekbones to highlight my better features. This thought has no spiritual significance, it's just a thought.

There are the try-out goers and the wanna-be players, the game wear, the fans, the team, and the coveted position as the starters on the team. Yes, all of this relates to being single.

 As a single we wake up, go about our daily business, we put on our best try out clothing, smile at frustrations and failures because we want to be gracious and show the world how much we want to be on the team, we put our best foot forward in every aspect in attempts to move forward. And by moving forward I do mean making the team, hopefully a starting position someday, but also that we attempt success to make up for other lacking relationships in our life, to fill the longing for the team. The wanna-be players, those trying desperatingly to be seen and heard, who walk home with cracks in their thick make up and gel droppings on the muscled shoulders of their ed hardy t-shirts, are those you see and think "did I see them on Jersey Shore last week?" Where the try-out goers are those trucking along, every day joes and janes, in a holistic sense some are beautiful and some average, but all working towards the same goal- making the team.

Try-out clothing are those go to outfits meant to highlight our best assests, or skills. They are often over priced, but it's worth it right? It's all for the sacrifice of making the team. We dawn these articles of clothing like a basketball player putting on his lucky air jordan's, they don't actually change our skill level but sure make us feel like we could be the number one draft this year. We want to present our best and hide our worst. Those that have made the team, well they get to put on their comfortable, slightly looser fitted game wear. Game wear needs to be durable, washable, stain resistent, and able to get the job done effectively. Aesthetics don't mean quite as much, although still have their role, but it's more about quality, because they've already proven their skill to make the team, now it's about keeping that position.

This brings us to the never ending fans. Everyone has them, from the wanna-be players to the starters on the team, we all bring a fan or two or five thousand. For those who are trying out for the team, whatever their skill level is, usually bring along the doting parent fan, perhaps the protective sibling fan who just wants to see them succeed. Quite often there are also the close friends who are loyal fans, encouraging the try-out goer, giving them pointers on improving their success level, and sometimes for those who are lucky, there is the extended network fan base. The church members, the friends parents, the aunts, grandma's, co-workers, friends of friends and friends of the doting parents; now these fans create that strong support system meant to elevate a try-out goer to the ability and skill level of the existing team. They talk up the player so much that often times their words alone are so persuasive that try-outs are almost pointless as they have their spot on the team in the bag. However, the latter can have a catch, and that's when a taste of success meets a rained out game. The times when extended fan bases do their job perfectly, with initial success but the hopes are dashed, the player is side lined and the rain pours. It's the putting on of the jersey, the proud sporting of the lucky number, but one never actually gets to play in the game.

There are cheap tricks to making the team too. Steroids. Those that go to extremes to make the cut, changing themselves and the perfect way God made them in order to meet a preconceived notion of what they believe the team is looking for. Flashy shows. This would be the the try-out goers that have the ability to dominate a room, conversation, attention seekers. Not always a bad thing, in fact I know many great people with this trait, but it also runs the risk of a voice proceeding actual depth, a showy display of personality without sustenance.

Making the team. After all the hard work of prepping and training, making the team is like instant gratification. A moment of bliss, unadulturated by the knowledge of what the future holds- more hard work and training. It isn't easy making the team and it's certainly not easy keeping your spot on it once you do. It's like varsity golf, you must stay within the top five lowest scores to get to play in the tournament, meaning, the work isn't over, your spot isn't safe. While you've moved over to the ability to go between try-out clothes and official team wear you're still not a starter on the team but you do belong to a team now.

If you're asking yourself, does she mean marriage is like starting on the team, then you are quite correct in your assumption. The starters get out there, they get dirty and injured, their jersey's are earning the number they are proudly stamped with. They have trained to make the team. They have trained to become a starter. And now their training is paying off in the play offs. These people, they are part of a team, and they play for the team and with the team. They may go home from a win or loss and throw on sweats and an oversized t-shirt but they secured that right when they battled together, when they started and ended the game for their team, with their team, because of their team.

I'm an 8

"How'd it turn out?"
"I'm an 8."

Name that show. Perhaps one of the best episodes of Friends, when Ross goes in for a spray tan and accidently tans his front 4 times in a row, rather than his front and back. Yeah, similar experience to me yesterday.

In truth though, the machine malfunctioned AND I messed up. Thank goodness for the machine also not working properly or I might have walked into my family reunion looking like Ebony and Ivory, just depends on if you saw me from the front or the back. Anyway, having a free spray tan left from awhile ago I decided to even out some tan lines for the big family photo this weekend. Not only did I accidently get stuck in the same pose twice, spraying my front half twice, the machine stopped at that point and proceeded to dry me. With tanner dripping down my legs, I threw on some clothes (which are definitely tan on the inside now as well) and had to walk to the front desk to see what was up. Since they made a mistake, they gave me a free future spray tan and I went home and showered off the radioactive hue my front side was turning, although not much better than the brilliant white of my backside.

In other accomplishments of the week, I finally found the hidden tree fort on campus tucked away in the miles of nature trails. If you've never walked the nature trails, I highly recommend it, you'd forget you're even in Salem. They are beautiful, lush and green, with cascading branches creating canopies above the walk ways. I've been listening to my Bible on my iPod, which I'm now in Leviticus, and walking these trails, and literally standing in awe at the work of my Creator, that and the trails are steep so I get out of breath after awhile. Anyway, upon discovering said tree fort with past coworker Courtney, I attempted to climb the ladder. The first step is about the reach of arms above my head, not really an easy task for a girl with no upper body strength. With some struggle I was able to get myself to the second step, my  feet still braced against the trunk of the trees. I got scared to go for the third step, but really had no where to go, just a hill and a large rock below me, so while attempting to get down I fell. I have a really nice bruise on my knee, but hey, it matches the large bruises on my arms from this crazy hard server at volleyball on Thursday. I am a very bruised, but very tan, woman. But I will make it to the top of that tree.

What is the significance of 8 in the Bible? It first appeared for young Hebrews needing to be circumsized at day 8 of their lives, and then again in Exodus 23 with sacrifices. I brought this question up last night at a fire pit, which put out some interesting concepts on the significance. I feel like I once learned this and just can't quite grasp that knowledge out from my brain, so I'm hoping either someone can help me out or continuing to dig deeper into the Word the answer will reveal itself to me. I understand 3. I understand 7. I don't understand 8. I'm also curious why with Noah it was 40 days and 40 night, and again on Mt.Sinai with Moses it was 40 days and 40 nights- twice. Why 40/40? So there you have it, some numerical ponderings for the week. In college, I had to read the whole Bible for a class, Biblical Literature of the OT and NT. I remember reading it, and learning it and then forgetting it. Looking back, I was passing a test and not so much tucking it into my heart and really delving into the questions it brings up. I'm changing that now.

The Unemployed Life

Not to be confused with the "glamorous life," as many might believe. In less than a week I will have fulfilled a month in the life of the unemployed, unsettling. Rejuvenating. Relaxing. Restless. So many polar opposite responses to this new life I find myself in.

I've been reading a book about two homeless guys, written by them about their experiences on the streets and the treatment they received from society, specifically examining the treatment from Christians across the country. Perhaps this is foreshadowing of my future? Either way, this new found time on my hands has been a great opportunity to pick up the paperbacks, challenge my way of thinking and living, and then learn how to go about incorporating change into my everyday life.

Reading these books ranging in genre has also helped me realize the importance of reading the Bible, which I would say is it's own genre as it needs no other written work to complete or portray its message. I would like to get through the entire Bible this summer, whether a job comes into play or not. Taking a step back  this summer I examined the things I waste my time with- watching tv, the internet, singing loudly and giving one person concerts in my house, taking photos, staying active outside...not to say this is what I use all my time up with but I would say its the majority of my time spent that falls into the unproductive category. I've realized that I could engage one form of learning, by reading the Bible, or I could engage multiple ways to incorporate this large goal into my life- by reading, listening and using my love of nature and the arts to better appreciate and understand the words that I'm slowly tucking into my heart. So...with that said, I bought the entire audio Bible in a dramatic reading (background music and noises included) and have been listening to that every day. Since it's MP3 CD's, perfect for the car and the iPod. I am loving it! I've also realized that I have been incorporating Old Testament trivia into my daily witty banter. Getting down OT style.

I am so ecstatic to spend time in the Word this summer, learn more about my Creator and better understand what life I am called to live! Gosh, if you feel like discussing the OT I would love to do so, as I truly want to understand, because I truly want to love.

Let's see here. I also joined a volleyball league at the Courthouse. Selected and bought paint for my rocking chair which I have been faithfully sanding in the mornings before the sun creates too bad of a tank line. Caught tadpoles and nurtured them into frogs. Sometimes I fear I shouldn't document my pass times as it tends to create an image of me as an 80 year old woman conducting science experiments and whittling wood cats while I watch my basil grow. Which is mostly not true.

Examining my past I have loved with my mind, but I want to learn how to love with my heart. I want action and movement. I want change in my heart and the world around me. I feel blessed to have been given this opportunity to dive in head first this summer. I pray daily for the job I already know God has provided, but I also pray that I use this time given to me and treat it as a gift and not a stumbling block in this currently unemployed life of mine.

Waiting for this day to arrive

Is this my first post unrelated to work? I think it just may be. So this is what growing up feels like...

The seasons change and so do we. I've come to this realization recently, I've changed and will change, and I pray to God I'll change some more after that, again and again. I've come to another realization known as- things I want out of life. And lastly, I've realized rubber boots may be the most comfortable shoe choice available. That truly was a life altering concept.

If you asked me when I was 16 what I had hoped for in life by the time I was 25 I think I would've answered something along the lines of, "well, I hope I'll be married after I graduate college or sometime during, I hope I'll be mid med school for pathology so I can help people by better understanding disease and death, I hope I'm involved in a church and have gotten to travel some." If you would've asked me when I was 21 (which is how old I was when I graduated college) I think it would've gone something like this, "I hope that I will have met the person I'm going to marry and am dating them with marriage in the near future, I hope I'm working for an organization I believe in and enjoy showing up to day after day, I hope that my trust in the Lord has been fulfilled because right now I can't understand why I can go on to live another day and others don't, and I hope that at 25 I have maintained all the important relationships in my life that are with me right now."

I turn 25 in less than a month.
 If you were to ask me right now, here is what I'd have to say. I hope that I daily continue to rely on the Lord for strength and wisdom, I hope that I meet a person I want to marry that opens up the doorway of better understanding God's love for me, and I hope that in the future I can have kids so that I can truly understand the sacrifice of the cross, the pain and anguish a parent must've felt allowing His own son to die. I hope that I understand what my strengths are enough to help people, and that I am humble enough to allow my weakness' to also help others. I hope that I continue to have a curious mind that reads and learns and shares. I hope I can eat healthy, to stay healthy. And I hope I never get blinded by material or monetary things, because I'll be honest, sometimes I like shiny things. And most of all, I am thankful. I have learned to not only pray, keep faith and grow but to be thankful, and my hope is that I grow more thankful for the good and for the bad.

It's refreshing to know I've changed. It's also refreshing to know the amount of things I want in this life have shrunk as every year passes. The world has told me that as I get older my aspirations should get more specific and defined, much like my 16 year old dreams of marrying Superman and being a kick-A scientist. Wow, writing that out has also helped me realize the truth in how nerdy I truly was and am. However, my current goals have taken a turn in the opposite direction and decided to broaden up their horizens and have no specific boundaries. There is one focal point from which everything stems, so I guess you could say I only have one aspiration in life now- to glorify God in all that I do, to show my thankfulness for the grace so willingly bestowed upon me and the great part is- there's no one specific direction with navigation signals that I have to take. I don't have to be my 16 year old self, my 21 year old self (which, lets me honest, was a teardrop away from an emotional breakdown) or even my current 24 year self. I just have to be the best me today.

Things I've recently bought and/or done which in turn solidify my nerdness-

• Bought Window Markers
• Bought a book about toxic fat
• Bought a book about a guy who decided to become homeless
• Acoustic CD's...yeah, a bought physical CD's
• Wore green rubber boots for a large portion of Easter, willfully.
• Asked for Scattegories and Scrabble
• Watched Kyle XY, a very badly made show.
• Wished that Jake from 16 Candles was real and would awkwardly come knock on my front door.
• Wished there was a 25 Candles, so that there could be a more realistic my aged Jake that could then come awkwardly knock on my front door with a birthday hun cal fro yo. So hey, if you own a letterman jacket, have enough money for a frozen yogurt from love love teriyaki and know where I live, my Birthday is May 16th, I like the nonfat plain yogurt with fresh fruit and bad 80's movies.

Up Keep Is Not My Thing.

I can officially announce that no more travel stories, and lonesome filled blogs will be gracing this site anymore. My last travel season is now behind me, which I say with much relief and a little bit of sadness. At minimum two months out of every year, three months for one or more of those years, were spent traveling around Washington, Oregon, California, Nevada, South Carolina and Idaho....averaging 7 months of travel. That is almost a year of my life, spent on the road. Crazy.
As a recap I thought it might be fun to share a few of the stories that I don't think I've shared on here before.  So here I present, CASEY'S TOP THREE TRAVEL STORIES...or at least some I can remember right now:

1. The Drug Cartel: I was staying in Bellingham, WA (covering a fair for another co worker) and had driven to this city I'd never laid eyes on before, getting in around 11pm. I had been at a fair near Seattle and drove on up after, night blindness and all. Night blindess is a frequent friend of mine, especially on the road with the unfamiliar areas. Anyway, I grabbed a bite to eat to bring back to my hotel for dinner, and went into my hotel routine. Lay outfit out so as not to wrinkle. Set up toiletries in order of use. Shampoo and Conditioner in shower. Sweatpants on immediately. Etc.
Other than the room being intensely creepy, with short 3 ft hallways jutting out and little dwarf doors near the floor, obviously with elf like people waiting to kill me in my sleep, things went well. I should also explain that the hotel was broken into 4 separate buildings, the entrances into each hall of the 4 story building consisted of walking up stairs on either side, outside, and using a key card to get into the hall where the rooms were.
I'm fast asleep. 2 am rolls around. I hear shouting and banging and decide to see what is going on. Looking through my peep hole in the door I see half a dozen uniformed men with very large guns pounding on the door next to mine. I look out my window and see more police cars and men with more large guns encircling my building. I'm on the 4th floor mind you, the only other room occupied is the one next door. Turns out there was a drug sting, in the hotel room next to mine, until around 4am. I got up at 6am for the fair the next day. Brilliant.

2. The Two Insanely Long Days of Travel: the first was when I had WA, so my first year working here. I finished a fair somewhere in the Olympic Peninsula at 8:30pm and then drove to Portland immediately following and stayed with the Dennis'. I remember getting in sometime around midnight or a bit past. A slept for a couple of hours and then got up around 4am to catch a very early flight to Idaho. Once in Idaho, I drove to an applebee's and changed clothing, ate, freshened up and then went to a college fair where I gave three back to back 45 minute speeches to full classrooms. I then completed another fair that night and left first thing in the morning. I was in ID for 26 hrs total. Second travel insanity- I got dropped off at the San Jose Airport, where I waited for my flight for 8 hrs because it was a car driving home and that's when they passed through town. After waiting my 8 hours, I boarded and then flew to Arizona. From Arizona I landed in Newark, NJ around midnight and waited there until 2am my time. Which included jumping on a bus to get to another terminal, by myself, in the dark and with slightly questionable people around. And from NJ I flew to South Carolina, where I was picked up by my aunt for another week long road trip. That day consisted of traveling for close to 27 hours straight. I was a hot mess.

3. The Drunk. The Biker. And Me. : This night consisted of me staying in Burns, OR (I think). I got in late at night once again, and showed up to this small town that apparently doesn't believe in street lights. There was a Subway open for 10 more minutes, which I promptly took advantage of for dinner, mind you it was the only thing open for dinner. And then went to find my hotel. There were two hotels in the city, as far as I could tell. Mine, with an outdoor access, I was able to find pretty quickly. I checked in and then went outside and up the stairs to my room. The parking lot consisted of all bikers, my Corban car and a couple beat up trucks. And there were two men stumbling around outside, drunk out of their mind. I went into my room, locked the door, pushed the table against the door and prayed I got the channel for America's Next Top Model- which I didn't. The two drunk men sat outside of my door and front window until early in the  morning swapping drunk stories, literally in front of my door. And I had no phone service. All in all, I was happy the bikers were there. After getting caught up in the middle of Sturgis the summer before, I felt a kinship towards the leather clad people but no kindship towards the drunk men. The hotel cost $35 for the night. There was my warning.

Oh, can I add in another bad hotel! There was another night that I accidently ended up staying in Stockton, California. When I checked into my hotel, it was another outdoor access, I asked the lady at the front desk if it was a fairly safe area. She looked at me with big eyes and was like "sure......you won't be going outside right?" What! I had a fair that night and didn't get back in until late, I ran to my room.

I've definitely felt God's provisions while I've been on the road. From terrible hotels, to "maintence" men trying to get in my room at 6am, to storms that haulted my travel and stuck me in random towns, so many wrong turns I lost count, and lots of bad food I am still alive, and have learned a lot. I've been told I should make a book of my travels and use this blog as a resource, so perhaps I'll do that and you should keep your eyes and ears out for my travel book, name still unknown. :o)