We are wandering out of the cold of winter and stepping into the new growth of spring. I know for myself personally, that is both figuratively and literally. I thought after my mid 20’s I wouldn't be wondering who I am and what I want, but here I find myself. I sit here, 44 days until my 28th birthday with new buds of growth that match the trees outside my window.
I want to share a dream that I had last week. No, I’m not claiming prophetic visions or anything of the sorts, but I feel like I dreamed emotions more than I did the actual actions. I envisioned feelings that were made into colors and sounds, thoughts that had a voice and a taste. It was like watching a movie with my eyes closed, the other senses were more pronounced and prominent, yet I could still see the scenes before my eyes because their vibrancy could not be paled.
I dreamed that I sat in a chair on a stormy beach front. I sat amidst what could only be described as an audience, everyone facing the ocean as we watched waves crash down. Thundery clouds circled above the waters as we watched a storm roll in. The sky was an entire palette of colors, ranging from black to silvery light blue. As I sat there a light appeared before me, above the roaring waves. I stood as the light continued to draw near, because I wanted to get a closer look at what it was. I was drawn to it, and it felt drawn to me. As it neared I found myself running towards the warmest and brightest light, bright like the sun but inviting and not blinding. As I sprinted towards it (which we all know I’m the slowest runner, so we definitely know this was a dream, because I was fast) a man appeared in the heart of the light. It was Jesus. In awe I yelled out “Jesus!” and as I continued running I was lifted into the air. I was embraced and welcomed by my Lord with open arms. The feelings of love, peace, awe, and comfort I felt cannot be captured by those simplistic words. One word is not enough. One color not enough. One song not enough, to truly capture the emotion I felt as I was held in His arms.
Every pain, worry, and anxious, confused thought was gone. Completely absorbed by the light, leaving me free from every burden I had carried with me into the light.
I was home.
That was the whole dream. It was intense. I have never in my life had a dream like that one, and just thought I would share it. How do you not share something that made you feel so loved? I have also had a reoccurring nightmare since I was in middle school that my best friend Kendra’s cat was plotting to kill me and was consequently a ninja, so you can see the vivid distinction of this most recent dream in comparison to most of my others.
It’s been awhile since I've written anything, in part it has been because of lack of time, but mostly it’s been because of lack of words. I really only write something when there is a specific thought on my heart or something I need to process through writing. I will be the first to admit that while I have adequately and probably too well, continued to feed my body, I have not done well at feeding my soul this winter, which has left my words famished and thirsty for sustenance; something I am attempting to repair.
Recently I made a decision. I am all in. Something I struggle with is independence, wanting to organize and plan and know for sure what is happening and going on, and while those are great qualities in an employee they have not served me well as a follower of Christ. But I am all in. No more dragging my feet, no more control. Much like the version of myself in my dream, I’m free. My burdens have been lifted because I am no longer the one in control of them. A friend recently said something that has stuck with me this week; she said “a couple either walks towards God together, or walks away from God together.” And while I am not in “a couple” I am all in for walking towards God, with the belief that my path will diverge with someone also walking towards the same end line and then that statement will truly be applicable to my life.
My journey of loving people is still continuing. Sometimes it’s incredibly difficult, sometimes it is easier than breathing, and then sometimes the difficult person to love is myself. My heart is still growing, my propensity for forgiveness is increasing and while I stumble I am still moving forward…..just sometimes flat on my face, but it counts. It totally counts. So love to you all, you know you've got a place in my heart.
And because I'm obsessed with this-
“You call me out upon the waters, the great unknown where feet may fail. And there I find you in the mystery. In oceans deep, my faith will stand.
And I will call upon your name. And keep my eyes above the waves. When oceans rise, my soul will rest in our embrace. For I am yours, and you are mine.
Your grace abounds in deepest waters. Your sovereign hand, will be my guide. Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me. You’ve never failed, and you won’t start now.
So I will call upon your name. And keep my eyes above the waves. When oceans rise. My soul will rest in your embrace. For I am yours, and you are mine.
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters. Wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger. In the presence of my Savior.
I will call upon your name. Keep my eyes above the waves. My soul will rest in your embrace.
For I am yours. And you are mine. “
Oceans, Hillsong United
HIMYM cat crew. Snow Days. Carhartt Nephew. Family. NYC Skyline. Citizens Banquet. Brooklyn Bridge. Leather Chain Gang. Mini Cooper.