Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Big changes, Big Girls.

My birthday is very quickly approaching. It always makes me excited for what a new year will hold, sad to say good bye to another year gone by, and anxious about getting older. I always felt that at this point in my life I would be in a much different place, it seems to me that more and more people can relate to this feeling than I would have imagined. Whether it’s due to lack of creativity as teenagers with unrealistic future expectations or not being aware of the full potential of our lives; many of us find ourselves sitting in a seat we never thought we’d be in.

This awkward in-between, the grey foggy time frame wedged between the indecisive imagination of childhood and the absolutes of adulthood, really boggles my brain. It’s an itch I can’t reach. A problem I can’t solve. A Facebook user I can’t thoroughly...investigate (which is a less creepy way to say stalk; I like to know who I’m workin’ with, that probably means you by the way). For whatever reason, I feel like this in-between is a deep pool not many of us ever learned to swim in. We thrash around, hastily trying to reclaim the ability to postpone responsibilities, or we sit stagnant and drown just waiting for “destiny” to miraculously appear before us. I am totally guilty of this.  There have been a multitude of times I've sat down on my incredibly and surprisingly stubborn bum and just waited. Waiting for what I wasn't quite sure.  For whatever reason I at times have believed that life would change, I would change, without ever actually doing something to make change.

It seems pretty silly, right.

As I grapple with the fact that I’m going to be 27, I’m unmarried, I have no children that I’m aware of and I’m pretty set on a Master’s program in Health Administration which means my life is drastically going to be changing in the very near future; I’m ready for the change. I’m ready to be the change, and not just to be it, but be the one steering it. I still have my days where I think “seriously, God brought those two together, they are waaaaay weirder than me…” (I’m not proud of that, but it’s the truth), but I am not abandoned, I am simply being shown to move. Basically, I’m being told to get off my lazy A and do something.

In my pursuit to “chase love” I can only hope that it changes me from the inside out. I know that my fragmented but beating heart has grown exponentially in the last few years and I can only hope that as I change, my ability to show God’s love changes for the better.  As I have journeyed this path of trying to love and accept everyone I come across, I think God has had a little laugh at my expense by throwing some real tough ones in there and has tested my patience with people who don’t want to accept being cared about, or being loved. That and I've come across some real asses. I can call someone an ass and still show them love right? I might have a lot left to learn….

So for the list dedicated to this next year of my life, I present: 

     1.  I think this is probably something I will strive for, for the rest of my life, but lately I have been so aware of the utter ignorance and lack of understanding of God’s plan that I have. So putting pride and stupidity aside, I would like to serve my God this year, knowing that He is in control, He is omnipotent, and He has not abandoned me.

2.    I would like to reach Gold Star status with Starbucks.

3.    Hot air balloon ride is still on here. Come on gentlemen, I’m hand feeding you a perfect, albeit, expensive date idea. J

4. Figure out why I smell like vanilla. Seriously people, I finally asked my co-worker today if she uses vanilla because when I move I get a whiff of vanilla. I do NOT use anything vanilla.
  And….I can go ahead and cross this one off as I just discovered what it is. My lip gloss.  I can also cross off “detective” from any future job searches.

5.  Set aside as much money as possible for the Master’s program I want to start next school year.  $3000 a term is not cheap.  And/or find a sugar daddy who wants a well-educated arm candy….just kidding... But seriously, call me.

    6. Rent a cabin with friends and play outside and in the water like kids.

  7.    Learn more than just the Boot Scootin’ Boogie line dance, to at least have two in my repertoire.

      8. Go to a state I’ve never been to before…and the list is dwindling. Anyone feel like Hawaii, Alaska, Maine or Colorado?

    9. I watch what I put into my body, but sometimes I forget to watch what I put into my head. I want to be acutely aware of what I’m watching, listening to and reading.

 10.   I want to stretch, grow, change and be the type of woman that would attract the type of man I want.

  11.  I don’t publicly discuss this…well, ever- but I will commit to saying yes to more guys that ask me out. My first reaction is always no….I’m working on that and attempting to not be so shy.

 12.   Did I mention this before, I think, but here it is again- I want to get back into photography. I realized how much I miss it and how much I love love love capturing a moment or an object.

   13. I kind of want to be an extra again, but we’ll see. My work might not like that one so much, but it was so fun! May 14th people, my Grimm episode supposedly airs. Look for the nurse with umpteen layers on.

   14. Spend a little more time on others, and less time on myself.

   15. Come up with my very own cupcake recipe from scratch. I wonder if I could somehow use basil. Mm…

16.  Learn to accept a compliment without feeling grossly overestimated. 
    17. Learn how to actually use blogger so I can have numbers that match....
    18. Try a type of food I've never tried before.

  19. Try a sport I've never tried before, or have been fearful of.

  20. To remember to be content in where I am in life and where I'm headed. To live in the moment, and to be the change. 

But also, look how long my hair has gotten! This should have been on my last years list because nothing is better than crossing something off a list. I will make lists just to cross things off of them. 

 My hair is so long! The angle makes it look even longer though. 

Those who know me know dark water is my BIGGEST fear, and I paddle boarded in the ocean! And publicly displayed myself in a swimsuit, that's a big deal too. 
Me as a nurse on Grimm!

 I love you all. 


Courtney said...

I always enjoy reading your blog, I love that you're open and share what's happening in your life in many different areas. And I can relate to much of what you say here about how we thought life would be and how it actually is, I think many people feel that way. I have only met a couple of people who say, oh ya my life is how I planned it, that is the exception.

nbrown said...

Numbers 4 and 18 made me laugh out loud. This is why I love you so much. BIRTHDAY TWIN!!

*Melissa* said...

I am praying for you Casey :)

I can't wait to see who God has in store for you.

You are kind, smart, gentle, and very beautiful! You will make a wonderful wife and mom!

I have learned that God puts these callings in your heart for a reason. Not to tease you, daunt you, frustrate you, but for a reason. He designed you this way for a reason. You will find love, and when God's timing is here, you will be soooo blessed for waiting. It will be so worth It.

Praying a long side you for all your hopes and dreams!